Si Modo
by EmptyPromisesandFadingWishes
Summary: No...Even though he had no chance with his best friend, Sirius still knew that he loved Remus Lupin.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

If you're wondering, this is **slash**.

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_Dear Diary,_

_Dammit, this sounds so girlish. But I'm really annoyed and I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm stuck in my old house turned headquarters. _

_So here I am, wallowing in my self- pity. You must be wondering why. I mean, other than the fact that Harry's gone for his 5__th__ year, I'm a wanted 'criminal' and that I'm holed in the place I hate?_

_It's Remus. Stupid Remus with his perfect hair, perfect eyes and his damn smile. Why must he be just a best friend?_

_I think I've said enough already. Anyways, Remus is knocking on the door and I really can't risk him finding this._

_Sirius_

_Dear Diary,_

_It's me again. I think I'm making a habit on writing in this book. I just. I can't stand how Remus is so obviously in love with Tonks, who is my beautiful, funny, __female__ cousin. And Tonks is absolutely convinced that she loves Remus the same._

_Sometimes I just want to scream and pull out my hair because it was me that had always been there for Rem, not her. I was one of his first friends, a closer friend than she can ever be. I understand him well, better than she thinks she does. It was I that had always been on his side, not her._

_And yet he loves her. Perhaps you might think it's wrong and twisted but in a way, I'm glad that because of his lycanthropy, he refuses to be with her. I'm a horrible, horrible person aren't I?_

_Sirius_

_Dear Diary,_

_I've just walked by Remus' room and overheard a conversation between _them_. Tonks had been pushing him, demanding to be let into his heart. She doesn't understand Remus at all, it proves. Remus shouted back, telling her it wasn't easy._

_Then she told him she loved him. That was when my heart stopped because the earnestness in her voice…She does love him, I realize, and he loves her back._

_I have completely no chance with him at all. But he stayed silent and didn't tell Tonks he loved her back._

_So I walked away._

_Sirius_

_Dear Diary,_

_ had been attacked by a snake. Of course, I was worried. Everyone started to rush around, arranging the visit to St. Mungos. The Weasley children and Harry came by Portkey, so I was busy preparing things. It did take my mind of Remus for a while, but not for long, never for long._

_I think that the Weasley twins know about my feelings. I mean, they are pranksters, they laugh and all but they're observant. The way they look at me and Remus….._

_But it doesn't matter now. There are more important things._

_Sirius_

_Dear Diary,_

_Everywhere I go, they are there. Remus refuses to be with her but keeps the close contact they have. They might as well shag in front of me._

_Everyone is quite pleased with the new 'couple' even though they aren't together. Molly even betted that they would get married by the end of next year. And, yeah, it hurts._

_Hell, it kills me to see them together, with those stupid adoring eyes while they look at each other. I just._

_Never mind._

_Sirius_

_Dear Diary,_

_Why does Remus love Tonks and not me? It's not because there's something wrong with me is it? Or maybe it's because I've spent 12 years in Azkaban?_

_Or maybe he's just straight. I will be forever be his best friend only. And I hate hate hate it. It's so annoying! Why must I be in love with Remus Lupin of all people? In the world of billions of people, I didn't fall for a squib or a muggle. No, I just had to fall for my best friend._

_Sirius_

_Dear Diary,_

_I may dislike Tonks for capturing Remus, but I can't hate her. She's my cousin's daughter and after all, blood is thicker than water. Or so Mother used to say._

_And…..who am I to tell Remus who to love? I have completely no right at all. If Remus loves Tonks then that's that. In the end, I am still his best friend. So I should act like a supportive best friend even though I don't want to. I have got to smile like them being together is the best thing to me even though it isn't._

_As long as Remus is happy, I must be too._

_Sirius_

_Dear Diary,_

_I don't know what's wrong, but something feels different. Somehow, I feel like this will be my last day on Earth. Maybe it's just my paranoia but…..I just have this feeling…..like tonight will be my last. I really don't understand this and it's making me feel uncomfortable._

_And if-just if-it's right, I'll never get the chance to tell Remus that I love him. Perhaps…Perhaps it is for the best. I don't know. Would it be better to take my secret to my grave? To keep my love a secret?_

_Yes, that's what I will do. Keep this a secret. Anyway, I don't know for sure that something will go wrong. It's probably just my paranoia talking. That must be it._

_But still, no one will ever know about this love. This stupid love that Sirius Black has for the taken Remus Lupin._

_Sirius_

Softly, James Sirius closed the small red diary. When he found it lying in the dusty attic on top of the pile of boxes, he did not expect this. For years, he had grown up thinking Sirius Black never loved, had no one to love. But this little book showed that Sirius Black _did_ love. Sirius Black had loved someone he could not get.

"Ginny's called us down for dinner. Coming?" Teddy popped his head in, blue hair casually swept to one side. James opened his mouth for a moment, however, nothing came out. So instead, he settled on nodding. "Well then, you'd better be quick! Victoire and I…..want to say something to the whole family!" With that, the older man turned around, waving to James.

Sighing, James stood up and placed the diary under his pillow. He knew what they wanted to announce. They were engaged, he knew. Everyone would be glad by the news, everyone except for James. But he would smile and congratulate them anyway because Victoire was his cousin and after all, blood was thicker than water.

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It just…..the idea just came. So…review please?


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